Over this weekend I was asked what normal is. One of my closest friends asked me what it was to me to be normal.
I was rather upset thinking that I didn’t have normal to offer. That my childhood shapes what normal is, and what people perceive me as may not be normal. I guess when you really think about it, I wasn’t the only child being sexually assaulted. There were enough children like I was to make up a community of voices that would make this sound like a ‘normal’ childhood. Scary when you think of it that way. Well that scary was so real to me. And it scares the life out of me at times, and makes me question what I have to offer when I find someone to have a relationship with. Especially when people share their childhood, and may want you to do the same in return.
I know what you might be thinking, but I share it all the time, and if you google me, wow, I am there. However there are times I would like someone to know me from scratch. As I have been told before by one of my best friends, ‘I don’t read your blog.’ She told me she doesn’t read it because I am more than the words on here. She is right. Because the way I write, and the way I give myself as a person are very different, and the same in some aspects. Both are always honest, and open when I feel safe and ready.
So normal, what is it to me?
I see normal as innocence protected. I see it as laughter, a life full of love and no anger. I see it as dreams, big ones that will be fulfilled. I see it as friendships, childhood filled with safe walks home, safe times spent playing in the street, and mum’s calling their children in for dinner. I see normal feeling safe. Never judged. Or tested. I see it as feeling free.
I think I see normal as being things I hoped for and saw my friends having that I couldn’t have and would never have. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the fact that I lived my whole childhood in flight or fright mode. And I can’t change that sometimes as a strong and competent adult , I need to be in flight or fright mode to get through the day. (It is very different going through a day in these modes as the person I am today, as I feel strong and courageous, and awesome. It is often laughed about, and talked through with friends. Just like you would your days that are out of the normal range). I know that a lot of people see my strengths, all of my friends see them, and I know my strengths are incredible and helping so many people. Sometimes I do wish for different. I will wish I was you.
And then I remember what normal is, it is being me.
The qualities and things I have to share are different to yours. As my friend asked me about what normal was to me, she also asked, ‘how many people wished they were making a difference in their lives?’
Normal to me, is being yourself.