Firstly, it isn’t about just today’s anxiety, this is getting really personal. You are messing with my sleep, and I am beyond over it. It has been weeks. Weeks. I know why you are here. We both do, don’t we. You only entered my life when my mum passed away. Not the best time to show up. Like it isn’t right now. I guess it is never a good time for you to be hanging around.
I am happy, in an awesome place in my life. I know what I want from life, (that good old life changing moment where you become ridiculously smart; old age, I think they call it). And you are hanging around like a bad smell. A bad smell that haunts me around 1am, sometimes 3am, and quite often it can be a lot of AM’s in the one night. The thing is, I am owning you, I am not grumpy during the day, no snappy pants are been worn. So really why don’t you go back where you came from and let me rock this birthday with less hurt.
There is nothing I can do about my mum, she is gone. I understand that. It doesn’t mean I am not going to talk to her every single day, think about her, talk about her, wish I could ring her, and feel her presence. You and I need to work this out, because I know I still hurt and ache for her. I don’t need you coming around and reminding me. I have her right here with me enough for you to nick off.
On the weekend you really stuffed me around. I was out on an awesome long run. That time I have to figure out my whole life path, and believe I am the best thing ever, (you kind of need to be a runner to understand what happens when you get into that meditative state. It is unbelievably awesome. Every time I come home, I have written a book, come up with business ideas, and mapped my whole life out). This time you came along for the ride. At first I thought the boogie man was chasing me. Not cool, running through the bush, on my own and thinking I am going to be attacked by my father. I soon turned that stupid thought around, until you made me vomit. Yes, you actually made me physically sick. I would love to think it was because I pushed myself too hard, and knocked 7 minutes off my time, but no, it was because you were taking my breath away whilst I ran.
So Anxiety, we need to really work this out. Maybe come Monday, you will be gone and I can sleep again. For now, I am holding on tight, throwing everything from my bag of tricks at you.
riding it out. H