Last week I was interviewed in a way that I have not been interviewed for since before the 7 marathons. I was asked questions that really reached to the core of who I am and why I have this fight and passion inside of me. I cried, and smiled, and I was emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. To have this affect on me is a positive thing. I loved that I was asked such raw questions.
So what makes me, me? Why don’t I just roll on with my life and be happy that I have survived abuse and run through the daisies and have beautiful music playing…. because it isn’t me. I shared my story, I used my voice that he had silenced for all of my childhood life. And once you open your mouth and tell the secret, you feel instant freedom. Once I received this freedom feeling, I personally felt stronger and I didn’t want to shut up! In the beginning I wanted to have people feel what I had felt, I wanted them to feel the heartache, the pain and generally feel for me. I know that sounds like, poor me, but at that stage I actually needed the poor me. Because, let’s be honest, a child being sexually assaulted by their father is heartbreaking and you would feel for that child. I had no one feeling for me at the time of the abuse, so I was desperate for the love, and safety after I shared my story.
As time has gone on, I have been riding a wave of emotions, I have wanted to hide and just be among the daisies on my own. I wanted to pretend I didn’t have this path in life, and I have wanted to be somewhat normal. I have since realised, this is my normal. The person I am is my normal. Even if it means I ride waves of wanting to hide, and wanting to be right in your face.
So where am I now, who am I, and what do I want to achieve by sharing this journey in my life. Firstly, I would like people to understand me a bit more, and I feel blogging here under Be Brave, will allow me to come out more. You will see my fears, you will feel my drive to change lives, and change the way we view child sexual assault. I am hoping in my words, in my journey, in my images, I will be able to show you what makes me, me. Even if it means you witness some random quirks! I hope to inspire you in the way you talk about keeping your children safe, and children safe around you. I hope it will make you more aware of where your children are going, and who they are with. I also hope it will inspire you to think outside the square, if you have children or not, and strive to do crazy things that are fun. Like ride from your home for over 1000km, just because it will challenge you in life.
I am a runner, I am a pretend cyclist, (as I am only new in the sport and not riding enough to be real; and really need to be real, as September is not faraway), I am a mother of two children, Keely 10, and Taj 7, I own the online store, Little Pinwheel, I have a great place I call home in Sydney, I am the biggest beach bum, love to skateboard with my littles, I love black coffee a lot, I am a survivor of child sexual assault, (which now I just say I am me, rather than a survivor), I am a photographer in my own time, and I am a friend to my friends, and the love for my partner. I am sure I am a lot more than this, as these are just words.
Welcome to meeting me, and the start of really pulling layers off to get to the core of what I am wanting to achieve and already achieving in sharing the life of an adult that once was a victim and survivor of child sexual assault.
Below is the map of our proposed trip in September. It has changed a little after the first plan as it is now over 1000km and we ride into a lot of small towns down the south coast. We hope to get a support crew in place with a camper. We plan to sleep in a tent, and support sleeps in the camper. We also hope to have some riders join in along the way! I also want my children involved too. There are lots of thoughts, and dreams, and desires for this trip. It is getting real, and I need to get on my bike more to become a real cyclist.
Be Brave, H