It is hard to press publish at times when I write posts that may mean nothing to you, or mostly because they hit a soft spot inside of me. Sharing my past, sharing the things I would like to do in the future, and sharing my ink stories are actually difficult. I am afraid of the judgement.
With judgement you need to first put yourself into a position of vulnerability. I am not a fan of feeling vulnerable and feeling like all of my guards are down. It is almost like I feel unsafe, weak, naked, and frightened. I am starting to realise that allowing myself to be vulnerable and opening up that part of me more, and more, allows me to also build up a resilience. The resilience builds up a lot more strength, without the wall of protection up. It is a wall that is more sure, aware, understanding and safe. It is a wall that is the true me. I am testing all of these things on the people close to me. I am trying to be more open and reveal my feelings more, even if they sound stupid, they are coming out of my mouth. It sometimes sucks having the anxiety, and the disbelief in myself. He laid this path at such an early age, and I am trying to kill that person that he made me feel I was. Putting this challenge on myself is going to be a positive.
In order to accomplish and achieve the things I have planned, I need to be strong in my head, stronger than ever before. Believe in myself better than I ever did. Believe that I can achieve and accomplish my dreams.
If I can be more, and share all that I am , and all that I can, then I hope I can inspire more changes, open more eyes to child sexual assault, and more awareness will be spread.
Sometimes I need to write posts like this so I can push myself further into the direction I want to be walking in.
Yesterday I went to the physio to work on my core strength. It has been lacking since I had surgery. I was in that boot for too long, and now I feel the weakness when I reach runners fatigue. We worked on my pelvis to realign it, which wasn’t out that far at all, which is nice to know. We are working on the pelvic floor muscles first. The glutes are firing, just a little weaker than they should be. Once these other areas are sorted, they will fire and be stronger than ever to push me through the big events. I look forward to becoming stronger, fitter, faster, and with a bit of hope this will help my bottom survive over 1000km on the bike in September!
But first, I will punch out a 30km trail run on the weekend with my running buddy who is racing in the Blue Mountains next month. We ran 24km last weekend, and that was great fun.
happy weekend. be BRAVE, H x