I have a pretty big smile. It never used to be so big as I hated my teeth. It was my fault they were like they were. Partly my fault. I guess it depends on how you look at it. I will never show what they used to look like. I did see images of myself as a child before I had two crowns replacing my two front teeth when I was going through photos for the Channel 10 interview.
To see where I was, and where I am today is incredible, and I am really proud of myself. It hasn’t been easy and I have pretty much walked (ran) this road alone, without any drugs, and with a smile that was hidden behind my mouth, which eventually did open to reveal a big straight smile. I deserved that smile and it was my gift to myself after facing years of punishing myself with bulimia. I am not proud of that time of my life that is for sure. However, I will never be hard on myself for that choice, as it ultimately saved me from a big dark hole that I wouldn’t have been able to get out of.
Today I go to see my dentist, as she was not happy with my smile. She wants it bigger, straighter and more beautiful than it is today. I tend to agree with her, and I am grateful that she has offered to put the Invisalign back on for another few months. Not only is she doing that, she is also replacing one of the crowns as she is not happy with the fact you can see grey through the tooth. That is because I have a metal rod instead of a tooth. I killed them that much, that I had nothing left. Sad that an eating disorder can kill your teeth that much. I was also dying on the inside from my father, and I did what I had to do to survive. There truly is no excuse for an eating disorder, and I am an advocate for helping others never to face one themselves.
When I say no drugs, I am no way having any negative thought towards anyone that has had antidepressants. My personal thought with drugs on any level, including alcohol is that I never wanted to feel I was not in control of my own thoughts or actions. I rarely get drunk, maybe only been drunk a handful of times in my life. I don’t like feeling out of control of who I am and the clear choices I would like to make. Plus that fear of being hurt again is there, and it allows me to be ready. Yes it is the classic flight or fright response mode. And I am fine to be there, and be ready to spread my wings if I ever need to do so. I am also very fine to live my life at the same time. I make these life choices for myself, and for my family and I don’t think it is wrong to not like, or choose to take drugs.
I just wanted to clear up the fact, I have a lot of friends, and people that have come into my life that have taken drugs, for recreational or for health reasons, and there is no judgement here. It is my choice to turn to natural herbs.
This smile may be beautiful already, it might already show a life that came from a world of pain, and I have no doubt after I have finished feeling self conscious again for the next few months with plastic in my mouth, I will smile bigger with the voice of a woman that is incredibly Brave.
The Be Brave journey is continuing and I will share where this woman and her big voice is going soon. Smile, because, I have learned myself that you may just change a person’s day, even life, if you wear that smile the way it should be worn. Don’t hide it behind your lips, open your mouth and let your voice and heart shine through.
Be Brave. H