using fears to use my voice

We all know I am not scared to have a chat. Sometimes I do clam up though and close the doors to protect myself. I don’t rate it when I do it, especially when I actually feel safe with the company I am with, along with the conversation. I do try and control it, but it is usually too late, and I stop talking, only answering questions. It isn’t because I am not interested in you and what you have to say, I am going into my coping mechanism state, and that is to close off. It is almost a state of panic without the noise, and actions. When you have done it most of your life, it is a natural reaction when I feel threatened in a way. It is usually when I am being questioned of my past, and why I am not doing certain things when I could be. I know I could be doing a lot, however you need to remember I need to have time to breathe too and take it all in. To be a survivor, absolutely smash that to become the person I am today with no title, conquer a whole lot of good stuff that not only helps me in the process, but others is tough work on my soul. Quite often I am reliving the abuse, I am remembering things I try to not remember and at times I have even had flashbacks of things I don’t remember at all.


Last night I had a great discussion of where to next, and what I want to achieve for Be Brave. I know that I cannot sustain a life of doing crazy things that takes its toll on my own body and mind. It isn’t really the life I would like to live. It is tough when you are knocked for six each time you do an event with all that you are physically and mentally. Back when I was in my early 20’s and I had been through the court system, I felt I needed to do more. I was pretty young and all that I could think about was going into schools and talking. I had felt back then that my voice was my powerful tool and it is what helped me to be brave enough to stand up and fight for child abuse awareness.

I will still run, cycle, and do some fun, possibly crazy things to help create awareness. However I will do it whilst using my voice. That is my main strength that helps others. Yes, my running has helped a lot of people, and my cycling, but it is the woman behind these which makes the difference. I need to use my strengths to succeed and my strengths to succeed in what I would like to achieve is using my knowledge through what I have to say. I will race for me, and for those that need me to run for them, they can be right there with me, pushing me through, inspiring me to not give up. Although we all know, I won’t ever give up! I can use my experiences, my challenges, to inspire and encourage others to be brave to use their voices, to use their strengths to live the life they deserve to live. I will continue to spread the awareness of child abuse and also push for change to happen within the government. They have the power that I don’t have to implement the changes I don’t have the authority to do.

For now, I am being all I can be for me, my friends, my beautiful little people, and also being hopeful to find love along the way. You never know, all that I do, and why I do it, just might be attractive to someone. I won’t stop sharing, talking and listening. I have written another letter to a Minister, and there are more to be written over the next 6 months as I work towards a race that I call the base of my change into trail running.


Why do I run the trails? I feel to run where it is lonely, where you are afraid of what might be around the next corner, what might be lurking behind that rock face, is me facing my fears. I have lived a life of being afraid of the dark, being afraid that one day he might come back and get me. We all have our things we do and for me, I need to face these fears head on. Every time I lace up my runners and run into that bush, I am becoming stronger, braver and also wiser in my knowledge to survive. It is only every few months I might be scared – I am not always afraid. And one day, I may never be afraid again.

There is a lot I am thinking about, going to implement, and these take time when you have a family to raise too, and a business to run. All of these things may not happen in my lifetime, {I am hopeful they will}, however I think to continue to be the brave person I am sharing my story and knowledge for child abuse, I can help people along the way.

Be Brave.


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