the tree

When I think about what happened to me as a little girl, I see everything as if it were huge. Although really it was a small place. Even smaller than the home I live in now. It was a 2 bedroom unit. My brother slept in one room, and the monster slept in the other room. My sister and I slept on mattresses, and sometimes fold out beds with the same foam mattresses on top. I see the room.

thetree+PIN

The television was small compared the the televisions we have today, we used to sit in front of it, on the floor and play the Atari. The kitchen was right in line with the same wall the television sat against. He never fed us well. It was always fish fingers, and 2 minute noodles. Sometimes we had chilli con carne.

I hate all of those food items. I also hate McDonalds. That is where I confronted him when I was strong enough. I was in year 11. I wish I was stronger before that. The smell of McDonalds still makes me feel sick today.

The balcony was my favourite place. It was a place I made my safe place. It was the window of hope and freedom. There was a tree on the same side the television was on, and it lined the side of the lounge room. The other end of the balcony was his bedroom window. I would often climb down this tree to escape. I also had visions of me flying off the balcony. Literally flying. I was a child, and I truly believed I could fly and would.

I believe today I am flying, and flying so high for all of those children that need wings.

I could sit here and explain his room, however this week I had a nightmare like none I have ever had before, and to explain anymore of the abuse would only make me fear to sleep tonight. {My fear is that my father will come back and get me; unrealistic as he would be old, frail, and I would overpower him being the person I am today. However it is a real fear to me}. The nightmare was a man leaning right over me. Everything in the nightmare was my room, was the bedding I have on my bed, with everything the way it was as I sat up screaming. I was surprised my neighbours didn’t hear me scream! It was impressive. That is what has really scared me, is how real it felt. I even had to have my best friend in the UK ring me and walk me through my home to make sure he really wasn’t in my home. Classic, as she is in the UK, and the only person I knew would be awake. We did have a laugh about that as she came through my home as if I was a little girl again looking for the boogie man.

Having a nightmare in the past I would have slept with the light on, and I would have not fallen asleep. It did take me a long time to fall asleep, and I had to close my bedroom door, which I also did last night too. Not sure why that is a thing of mine, as it is pretty easy to open a door with no lock on it! Anyway, it is just one of my quirks I guess.

Even though I am an incredibly strong person, and doing awesome for others, I still sometimes hurt, and sometimes feel afraid. I believe those are things that will always stay with me, and accepting that only makes me stronger. We should never underestimate how big things are for children, when to you they could be so small.

I googled the street, and today the tree is not there. He doesn’t live there anymore.  

Be Brave H

 

bda
  • July 22, 2016 - 6:17 am

    James Hasloch - Holy Shit dude that sent jolts through my body like nothing I’ve read before.
    We are going to run fast tomorrow and fuck its going to be good.ReplyCancel

  • July 23, 2016 - 11:38 am

    Jane @ Shady Baker - Bloody powerful stuff, Hayley. It gave me a jolt also. Stay strong xReplyCancel

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