Is it giving up? Last night I sat down over a glass of wine and wrote the below blog post. Ironically things happened overnight and I have added an addition to my post.
I don’t think it’s necessarily quitting on love, it’s just taking a side step. Let me try and explain what this online world does to your feelings, or maybe it is just my feelings, and why I quite happily pour a glass of wine, and have my kid free night on my own.
Firstly you need to be happy within your own skin, be cool to laugh at yourself, with yourself, (because you’re alone right – so you are the only one laughing – yes I think I am funny). I am happy within my own skin, which makes this decision much easier for me. It is great to remove the pressure and remember my priorities.
Being in the public eye online is tough, I share images of my business, my children, myself, and sometimes they don’t paint that pretty picture you visually see. Sometimes the moment before my little guy has had a tantrum, I have taken 20 snaps to nail that selfie where I look alive and half decent, and Keely probably just punched Taj for trying to hug her too much in public so I could get that “cute” sibling photo. I try and keep it as real as possible and sometimes I will even go silent when it isn’t so pretty in our world. I did try removing my life from the mix of business however you all went quiet and wanted more from me. I apparently was inspiring, uplifting, real and I hit spots in you that I didn’t know I possibly could. I always thought I was just me, a woman that is sometimes struggling to push through her own pain of the past, slapping myself high fives when I have survived another day of single parenting, wishing and hoping my mum was still alive today – yep it’s been over 10 years, I know she is not coming back, and mostly I am laughing, smiling and raising two children, rockin’ rad friendships, and being in our routine of life; living real like you are too. I am like z class famous! – But you liked my raw and real approach to parenting, life and running my business.
Although google me and boom it is like a bomb goes off with this one woman’s life – that’s me!
Imagine if you had matched with me, googled me, (not hard to do even without knowing my surname), and you start learning about someone at a rate that’s so fast your eyes can’t keep up on the pages and pages of information. (That’s probably after you’ve told me I have great legs – but they won’t matter anymore because you have just got me looking like a pile of shit). Imagine that pile of washing you need to fold and then someone keeps throwing more on top as you start to feel like you get to the bottom of it. It is a mess right. There is too much. But really, it is not a mess when you take one layer at a time at the pace you need to take it; and I need you to take it.
There is more to me than words on a website, or words on this blog, and of course more beyond the images. Beyond the great legs is one awesome, caring heart. Yes I have come from pain – not my fault. Yes I share my story – saved other’s lives in doing so, and inspired so many more. Yes I did this myself when I first shared my life publicly. The thing is, I have no regrets, it is me, and I cannot change the words already written and I also cannot change where I came from and how I have made my life so damn awesome. I am real and anything I have ever written or shared is true. You just need to remember there’s a lot of layers to this pile of washing, and it sure is beautiful when you get to the bottom of the layers.
I don’t have time to flick, to look at images and to message. I have two children to raise and over the next year my life is going to change in a way that is quite big for me. I need to concentrate on that, and my friends. That guy, if there is a, “that” guy, will find his way to work into my life; our life. I cannot actively look as I am actively training for an ultra trail run next year. That takes up a lot of focus and I cannot focus on training if I am distracting myself. So I deleted two apps. I turned off notifications on the one app I kept. (That way I don’t see if someone messages me, and I don’t look like an arsehole). Well I thought I had done that. Enter the arsehole.
Well, if you knew me, really knew me, (beyond your computer screen, mobile phone, past the images and the words), you would know I am far from an arsehole and have the biggest most amazing heart, as I said above, and you know I only write the truth. I couldn’t ignore someone that had messaged me. I was just hoping to be the unknown arsehole with the notifications off!
I met this couple Di and Chris whilst out with a girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. They met at the Channel Islands, and have been traveling to see each other ever since. I asked how long they will do this, and Di said, until we both leave this earth. Old school love still happens, I am learning and have learned a lot in the past few months. I am understanding of when a guy just isn’t into you, when to let it go, move on and keep your morals. I broke rules I didn’t want to break, however I don’t have regrets because at the time it felt right. I was straight up, honest, open when I needed to be, and randomly I opened up to one guy super fast about my past. I don’t usually do that, but it felt right, and comfortable. Di and Chris told me to not give up, and I am not. I just need to approach it in the way that I feel comfortable for me, and prioritise my big year of change.
Online dating isn’t for everyone and I have worked out for me it has a time frame. I am not saying it isn’t for me moving forward; it is all in the timing. I have saddened one of my friends supporting me as now she can’t sit with me and chat potential dates and talk about the people I am chatting to. Although she is pretty happy I am keeping this real to be true to myself. It is one thing to have ghost followers on Instagram, but to have men that match with you, tell you that you have great legs and then say nothing is becoming something I cannot deal with anymore. I know I have great legs, there is just a lot more to me than good pins.
I have life to rock, build and I will do that happily with this glass of wine on my own, or pour another and have that rad guy sitting right next to me sharing in the wine.
Happy online dating! This woman wants the real life stuff – whilst keeping one app live, (with notifications off this time), and to continue to love the person I am.
I do secretly cross everything that one day a rad guy loves me and my two little people – my heart will stay open to possibilities.
Addition: Overnight I had two invitations for dates, and yes I will go on them with that open heart of mine. The app notifications will need to remain on for a little longer. My friend will be happy this afternoon as we talk dates.