Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing. I see the big picture at the end. It is seriously perfect. The image I have seen for years. But there are so many obstacles, brick walls, and people to gently move out of my way. I cannot do it alone. I know I can’t and I am standing up and asking for help. (A massive thing for me to do). I have a few people on board, and the person inside of me that isn’t so afraid cannot wait to sit in front of Mike Baird and ask for more help. The other frightened part of me, wants to runaway and hide. I want to suppress it all, and pretend I am this perfect person that has never lived through heartache at the hands of my father. But that person is not the whole me. I keep telling myself I am way stronger than I think I am. Hello, I am here, right? I am sitting here, feeling a little emotionally drained after a meeting about the meeting, and analysing it all.
I know I will put that strong head on, I will push out a run tomorrow with the other person helping me, and I have no doubt I will walk into that meeting with the biggest strength and passion that makes me who I am today. I cannot believe in just over 2 weeks, I will be facing a meeting that could change my life, and other people’s lives.
What is the big picture? It is rather pretty, it is the most beautiful image I have ever seen. It is a life that is so safe, full of the love I so wish I had as a child. It is one woman that will live her dream to make this awful past something that makes her future the life she deserves; the life all children deserve.
I answered some questions for Mum Life Project recently, which went live last night. If you have time, pop over and read what makes me, me. There is one quote they have used for the top of the post, and it sums up me a lot, and something I need to take with me when I sit with Mike Baird…..’When you are sexually assaulted you are forever being told you are worth nothing, you are vulnerable and frightened, violated, and the feeling of wanting to runaway and escape is constantly there with you. Sadly you are too scared and small to even take a step forward. You feel like a little mouse in the corner, shivering and so afraid to take a step forward into a world so big and scary. Being brave, and standing up, sharing a voice that is louder than his has been my saviour.’
Be Brave. H