I cannot hide; be brave and ride

How quickly my head can turn around from thinking I should be worried about cycling on the road, to feeling awesome on the road. Really, the one thing that concerns me is a puncture over the traffic! I am now fully into training for the Be Brave cycle and to be honest, I cannot wait to start this journey. It is going to be emotional, physically challenging and mostly I hope it is inspiring enough to have people stand up and listen, and talk. Because without words, we are silent, and that is what child abuse is; the secret we are too afraid to share.

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I have had some great rides over the past week. Other cyclists on the road have no idea why I am out there spinning my wheels. It is really uplifting when they ride passed you and tell you that you are doing awesome as you go up a hill. It is even more uplifting when I am cycling passed them up the hill and they say the same thing! They often catch me on the downhill as I am too light to pick up the speed. I am becoming quite good at planking on the bike to try and give me that need for speed. I am yet to crack over 63kmph down a hill. I am training solo, and I may pick up some group rides before March. The whole reason why I go out alone is because I could possibly be doing the Be Brave cycle alone. I don’t want to train in a group and not feel the full pain of the hills. (I know, I am crazy. But if I don’t know how it feels to ride alone and take the full hit of the rides, then I might not make it to the end). I have had a few cyclists jump on my back wheel, and then have me jump on theirs. When that happens, I am pretty happy. It is a nice feeling to be pulled along and to give your legs a rest. It is also nice for the social side of it. I am thoroughly enjoying the training so far, even the pain of head winds and hills.

The pain I will feel on day 4 of the ride will be more painful than the physical side of the cycle. On day 4, I will cycle passed the home I was sexually assaulted in. It won’t be the same, as the monster doesn’t live there anymore. Although it has memories for me that will make that a tough moment in my life. I will see the streets, the parks, and even the house my friend lived in, that he abused too. Even typing this, I see the images of him coming to find me in the evenings with his torch. I still remember getting it smacked across my face. I didn’t want to go back to go to bed. He was only going to hurt me again. I preferred to stay in the dark of the streets and hide from him. The monster still found me. Every. Single. Time.

Fark it is hard.

I have made the decision that on the date I am prepared to leave, I will leave. It doesn’t matter whom might be right there beside me, or who isn’t there. The main thing is that I continue to share my voice, and give hope to changes happening in my lifetime. I have had offers of support from friends, from strangers and people I wouldn’t even think would consider hopping on a bike or consider supporting me. This month will be the big planning month. I hope to hand over some of those responsibilities to some supporters as the training alone is going to take up a lot of my head space, and time.

I am focused, fit and I feel awesome with what I am going to achieve. There is no failure in this challenge. It is all positive, no matter the results.

Be Brave. H

 

bda

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