I put way too much pressure on myself as it is, and you add anxiety into the mix, and it is one messy combination. It is like this personal battle deep inside that can sometimes be positive and other times it is negative. It just hurts! It physically hurts to be anxious. I am not angry, I am not upset with the world for anything that has happened to me in the past. I am more grateful for turning out ok, and turning all these negatives into something that is worthwhile. I am no superhero, although, tonight my little guy told me I was the best mum in the whole world, in all of New South Wales. He then continued to say, no mum you are the greatest, and all your people think you are too. I have no idea who my people are! I guess he sees that I am doing a lot for others with using my hurt for the greater good.
There is no superhero here, just a woman trying so hard to change the world’s view on child sexual assault. It isn’t for personal gain, it is for all those children out there, all those parents, parenting these children to have knowledge, and understanding. Our littles don’t have a voice, and sadly in abuse, our voices are taken away. I sometimes have these visions of me as a child screaming for help and nothing coming out of my mouth. I do beat myself up for not speaking up, for not stopping it. I know, only a child back then. An innocent child, completely torn apart to be nothing.
I still pinch myself that I have grown into the person I am. I could have gone down many other paths. Instead I chose to survive. I did a lot of that on my own. My mum was awesome, don’t get me wrong. But I had to do it all on my own. She did stand next to me in court, she did encourage me to change my name and start a whole new life where I felt safe. But I did that on my own. Wearing a new name, moving to a new state, and starting fresh never takes away what you went through. No matter how strong I feel, I still have that weakness inside. I guess that is the post traumatic stress disorder. You do see monsters coming to get you, and you can be scared of the dark still. It is like this vicious cycle.
Oh how I love anxiety. NOT.
Right now, I am pretty awesome. I am suffering the anxiety and want to rock in a corner, but what good will that do? I will cry, and it will still be there when I take a breath again. I have this meeting to prepare for, and I am feeling this pressure that I cannot seem to shake. At the moment I don’t need to be questioned at why I want to achieve all of this. I just need the encouragement. Although, it doesn’t matter if you have my back or not, I am still going to go in there and it is all going to come out. No matter how organised I am. Once I start talking about this subject, the heart takes over and I am literally on fire. Sadly the anxiety can jump in whist I am a blaze of glory and it becomes a mess. I definitely need to shake it within the next 3 weeks so there is no mess to be seen. Just a strong woman that continues to talk; not one that shuts down.
I have no doubt it will go in time. It is a matter of getting all of these things off my chest, writing helps, running it out, and talking to those friends close to me that want to hear my thoughts. I am grateful for one phone call today that made me realise that it is ok to ask for help. I don’t need to put my batman trackies on solo, I can stand alongside a lot more superheros and kick this anxiety aside, and help all of those children out there. Also thanks to her for helping me realise that people will burst my bubble sometimes, but really I am doing something that is so awesome, and if you don’t like it, well truly you are a fool. I am trying to protect children from being abused, making them aware, and making you aware. Knowledge is power. And I have a key in that.
be brave. H