I have done it again. It is that stupid spiral I get myself in. Thinking I am not good enough for happiness and love. Although I have a feeling that could be life, and we all feel somewhat worthless at some stages in our lives, if it be work, or personal. I know sometimes I question my parenting skills as I have two children ignoring every word that comes out of my mouth. Good old selective hearing. But this post isn’t about my parenting skills, more about why I cannot be brave enough to just let it be.
Back pedal a week and you have a woman driving straight back towards Canberra to run her first marathon since 7 marathons in 7 days in 7 states, and since surgery. Not just any car mind you. A car labeled with stickers of Be Brave, and the journey of a few months back. I was heading back into the town I was abused in and I wasn’t afraid. (That is freaking awesome of me. Seriously huge). I was aware of my feelings, and aware that I could all of a sudden be really frightened. It only came once, when I was in the bush running the marathon. I was quick to turn that thought around and get back into running. Thank goodness for that strong runner’s head.
I achieved an amazing result, after 6 weeks suffering bronchitis, and cramping that started in both legs at 17km in. By that stage I was happy to just finish, even if it was short of the line. But instead I used all of my knowledge and items I had on me to push through to come over the line as the second woman home. It was awesome!
Then I turned 40 just the other day. Awesome again, as I had done it in style with the marathon achievement and the party a couple of weeks ago with people that had all made an impact in my life, in some special and important way.
I should be on a huge high right now, but instead I am suffering anxiety, fears of what my future holds, and balancing full time parenting with my daughter. I feel to an extent, I am doing really well with Keely and I feel I have given her the things she was craving as a young teenage girl, and I hope to continue to do well there. I am in love, have amazing friends……
My issues, if you call them issues? Maybe you do, however that word has such a negative spin to it. I say issues, without the negativity. They are relationships, and I struggle to find a balance. I sometimes feel I have what I need written all over my face, but I don’t think it is. Plus who can read minds. It isn’t just relationships with men, but with friends too. I guess that is why I have a particular balance with the friends I have. They may understand my waves of fears and anxieties. And sometimes they don’t. I hide away and return when I am ready to come back out of the shell I have placed safely around me.
I set myself up to be rejected, to be hurt, so when I am, it doesn’t hurt as much. Although I do have times where I feel safe, and I let all those guards down, which primarily makes me feel good, and sometimes a little vulnerable. I am learning that with these guards down, I still have those special people, when I open my eyes again.
If you know about love languages, you would know we all have one that stands out from the rest, and that one needs to be fed more to feel that love. I think mine might be on a whole other scale with the past I have had, rejection, abandonment, and abuse. It is like I set myself up for rejection, for it to all end, and for me to lose it all. I go into my safety bubble and come out again when I can realistically think it through. Sometimes that is after I have ripped myself apart enough that I feel like nothing at all.
Sad when I say it like that. Really all I should say is my love language is touch and words, and a little bit of actions too.
I do have my shit together. I am a smart woman, with a lot to offer this world, and I have already offered a lot with being brave and sharing my life experiences. We all have times of ups and downs, even if you haven’t faced abuse or death or that feeling of being alone. It is life. I just hold on, and wait for the ride to be over. Sometimes I close my eyes, and say nothing. And other times I do what I am doing now, stand up and say, I am not doing awesome right now, and I could just ruin everything that stands right in front of me.
Then I close my eyes.