Today was tough on the bike. It is hot, I am overthinking and becoming a little stressed about the cycle challenge. I was in tears. (Not easy to train and be in tears. Luckily I am very focused and kept pushing through the tears). I have learned along the way that this journey I am on is my own. If there are people standing beside me at the end, I will be very surprised. I have been offered help, and I love the help. But then comes the silence. This is what I am trying to change with this subject; the silence. As to a survivor it is deafening and truly is heartbreaking. People give you hope with their support and then they let you go. You crash.
Although, that is the best thing about me. I don’t crash. I might fall down, but I get up and I keep going. As I messaged a friend this morning, I am not special. I come from a pretty average life, have built it all up myself, and I only survived as I found special in a pair of runners, and the hope. Because without that, what is there? I know that sounds quite negative, but for someone that has survived and come out of abuse as well as I have, has to have hope that things will change for others. I am ok.
Maybe those that have offered to help, will help, and my stress will settle. However for now, I take this all in my own hands, my heart, and I continue planning. I just have to ask myself, how big, how little and what will be enough. Is this really solo, or do I have enough support in social media for it to feel supported. Will I ride from A to B, or will I go through some towns that I feel need the presence of hope? Will my ride inspire others in their lives to be brave, not just because they are survivors of abuse, but because they need their own hope?
So many questions. I guess the main thing is that the first day I hop on my bike, I turn my legs over. The rest will be what it is. Some of it, I cannot control.
The training is going really well, I am working pretty hard, and feel very strong. The head is feeling awesome too, and really that is the part that will get me through in the end. I am one tough cookie as my mum would say to me, however when I am built up and then people let me go, I sadly have that feeling of abandonment again. It makes me question myself, and what I am doing, and why I am doing it.
I don’t like questioning myself. I am me, and the me I am is pretty awesome. I give a huge part of my life for the Be Brave project.
If this cycle challenge was just for me. Only me. I believe it would be enough. It will be a test of pure strength, hope and it will push me through to continue what I am trying to achieve. I may not achieve it in 2017. However I know in my lifetime I will help someone besides just myself.
I have a map, some pins and some string. I hope to leave the end of March; if not earlier.
Be Brave. H